Universal Shift

I wonder how many people can relate to the feeling of being completely alone? Like, utterly and completely alone and like nobody would actually notice if you were gone. One of the worst feelings I've probably ever felt is that I am replaceable. But it's true. I am extremely replaceable, and life offers gentle reminders which keep my perspective in check. Allll of us are, and will be, replaced some day. But here on earth it's a little more difficult to realize this, with the complications of feelings and efforts and memories and relationships. I have realized that I don't need to be the specific person doing my job for it to be done. I don't need to be at a specific gathering for anyone to notice. My presence is not desired or missed. 

Of course there's the other view, which is the mindset I have been reaching towards for years and FINALLY got a hold of (until last night when I slipped): I am a SPECIAL, UNIQUE and WORTHY individual. I deserve just as much happiness as anyone else and I deserve to find people who treat my compassionate heart with kindness and loving. And I WILL find those people!!! Or in some cases, I will shift my efforts towards those people I already have (regardless how few they may be). When I switch to this pattern of thought, I can feel immediate changes inside my body and the space around me. I am hopeful. 

To realize that I am not special to people around me has been difficult. I have been making efforts to reduce contact with those who harm me - all along I thought it'd be the new people coming in that I needed to protect myself from and now I'm starting to feel the other way. Maybe my job of cutting existing chords is not done yet. So today I am choosing to carry on, remind myself of the "people" who DO always have my back (uhmm myself but mostly my angels) and ask for help in dealing with painful human emotions that I can't escape. I will continue to give my heart away to those around me, hopefully with a bit of reservation and protection but I cannot and will not completely stop. It will not benefit me to allow these things to harden me and change my energy, possibly sabotaging what good could be working it's way towards me. The universe works in marvellous ways, I must never forget that. 🙏✌️

Let your Light Shine

She's stuck in the beautiful disaster of having everything to say while being held in the confines of narrow minded and surface communicators. An independent, ever-present bright light amongst an endless city of colourful and flashy lights, simply hoping there is one more solid bright light willing to meet up like fireflies in the night, becoming inseparable and facing every darkness without fear. Allowing dark shadows to fall behind, simply focusing on the road ahead and how to best navigate together. Allowing no space for fear- no judgment- no tense cords- no alienation- no loneliness- no rejection. Although it may be a remarkable sight, not anyone is ready for the solid light. Some become enthralled by the beauty of the light without really understanding the depth or power source and they get too close only to get shocked. This will cause the beautiful light to short circuit for a minute, but will ultimately cause the light to shine brighter and stronger for those who understand the wiring. A solid bright light will often be taken advantage of, especially when the visual appeal of the flashier lights wear off. This does not reduce the strong and solid lights quality - in fact, it enhances it. Proving that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that depth and stability cannot be forced onto those who are not ready - they will only appreciate what they see instead of digging even one layer deeper for the answers. But it is not anyone's job to dim (or flash!) their own light in order to wait for others to appreciate it. Be the strong and steady light that you are to the world. You will attract what you put out, so be fearless and allow that to naturally weed out people who can't keep up. Those who fear your light, don't understand it and/or want to dim it have no reason to hold up a space in your heart. Release those cords and allow yourself to reconnect with lights that display warmth and depth. 

Listen for your Intended Life

"We all have two lives. The second begins when we realize we only have one". 

True, with regards to this one specific earthly life. Anyone who knows me - REALLY knows me - which are not many - will know that I am most definitely a believer of past lives and the fact that our souls have lived soooo many lifetimes before this one. So in that sense, we have a long time to learn our lessons, and a whole lot of previous experience and knowledge when dealing with worldly stressors. Knowledge that exists even without us realizing. Some of us have lived more lifetimes than others, and some of us are more aware of our hidden compartments of knowledge than others-this becomes apparent when talking with people-listen to what they talk about, how they talk about others, see how they treat others. I honestly believe that until we are at a certain point with ourselves, we won't be able to move forward from whatever is holding us back from living our intended life. Lessons need to be learned-and understood-before any type of closure or forward movement can take place. And the sad thing is that nobody can get you to that point except you. Absolutely, people are put in our lives for a reason, and can help us along the way. But they alone cannot be the sole solution to conquering your own barriers. And if they do appear to "fix it"-it will only be a temporary fix. Something great happens when you have faith in yourself and begin to release a need to know how all will turn out. As soon as we let life happen as it intended for us to, a whole lot of tension is eased. The second we realize that life is so much bigger than us is the second that the universe will begin to manifest what we want. That being said, it won't happen overnight or without us putting in the groundwork, which is often the hardest/scariest/most overwhelming-and oftentimes the place that we give up on before even starting. That's not fair, not to us or the endless number of individuals who have come before us and continue to live inside of us, desperately trying to show us lessons along the way on how to live our truth. 

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Ohhhhh life life life. This blog has been dormant for awhile. Mostly because I simply cannot figure out how much of my real personal life I want to share on a public platform. But I can sum it up...as much as I can sum anything up haha.
Basically the image of life that I've been grasping into for the last five years has now changed. In a day (or a month, or a year depending on your interpretation) , life has changed and I am on a completely new journey. Within a day, I lost best friends and things will never be the same as they once were. But also within a day, a new fire can erupt. A new passion call be filled, a new life can be created. Ultimately  what you choose to do in a time of distress builds you or breaks you, but the CHOICE is yours. The choice is mine. Now to make dreams happen.
On a side note. It's funny how people have the tendency to gossip about EVERYTHING!! In my office it is so fascinating to watch news spread like wildfire..this office door closing, that whisper...all of a sudden people are asking questions when I haven't told them a single thing haha. The irony is that these are people who are in professions where confidentiality and respect for anther person are two of the main components but YOU KNOW that's my little rant for the day.
Last random note for the day. I seriously wanna get a tattoo of my cat :D how adorable would that be. I'm totally doing it. Sometime when I'm not driving I'll write about other interesting things...like the  walking monk, intentions and expectations, my puppies, the adventures of my cat, this trip out west, more life and more drama...the usuals.

Assssholes Unite

Wisdom teeth have officially knocked me on my butt for the last week. I thought that day by day they would get better, but turns out that they progressively got worse. I've been taking more Tylenol than a person needs to, but I cannot function otherwise. It's crazy how one area of pain can literally reach through your entire body. Anyways, here's hoping that I'm through the majority of pain and that it will get better from here on out after re-visiting the dentist yesterday. Seriously, I'd get 100 more tattoos before having him fuck with my dry socket again. Just thinking of the pain makes my back arch in pain. Other than this, I've been thinking soo much about how we treat people in our lives. Lately I've received good treatment from some people, "OK" treatment from some people, and downright shitty treatment from some people. It's funny how your opinion of people can change as they begin to treat you differently. It's also funny how people can shift how they treat you without you really doing anything to cause the shift. Does that make sense? I let people play with my emotions more than I need to, and to be honest I'm really really really sick of it. All I want to do is focus on myself (sounds bad, right?) and do what I need to do. Go where I need to go. Not give a fuck about who says what, who wants me to do this or that. So, it's time to do that...I just need a few things ironed out...like where exactly I'm going and what exactly I'll do HA but...other than that...it's time. But a few questions will always remain...like why do people treat others like crap at all? Even someone you have the teeniest amount of respect, admiration, like, trust, whatever, with or for.. why treat them poorly at all? Why treat ANYONE poorly? What does it do for you? But on the other hand, I get it. I've chatted with a friend recently about the benefits of guys being assholes. They're assholes because they can be. Because they get away with it. Because somehow, they continue to "win" despite treating people like crap. Until they stop "winning" from acting the way they do, they'll never stop. They'll never show real respect, and they'll never truly be themselves in a relationship. And as I re-read this, I realize how contradictory I am. I can bitch about treating people like crap...but as if I haven't done the exact same thing. Fuck. Eye opening little blog post, here. Depressssing.

Dreaming about Reality

Thoughts. Dreams. Reality. How do you separate them? How do you relate them? How do you pull it all together? And then what happens? Happiness and peace? Or regret and defeat? 
Everyone has dreams; to own a house, to get married, to travel the world, to be independent; whatever. Each individual has unique and special dreams that they hold dear to their hearts. Seeking fulfilment from a dream is what keeps us going as human beings. Seeking for growth and change and achievement keeps us going. 
Then comes in reality. Bills, money, barriers, hurt feelings; whatever. Fear could almost be listed as a reality, but to say that is ludicrous. Fear is based on unreality. 
Each of our dreams and each of our realities bring us to a different spot in life, a different fork in the road, a different crossroads. But the question for me right now is: when or how do we know that our dreams are unrealistic? Maybe more importantly, how do we know when they're realistic, when they're achievable, and when they'll pay off? Or do we ever really know, it's just taking the risk that can prove it right or wrong? 

Just Sick

I haven't been on in awhile...not due to a lack of things to say but probably more due to uncertainty in what to post, how much to share, what feelings to write about, that good stuff. Life continues to be more dramatic than I can handle, and I'm at a point that I seriously don't know what to do about it. What I'd LIKE to do is quit everything and go to sleep for a few weeks...but just like every other time I've wanted to do that I know it's not a realistic option.  Instead today I left work, had a jacuzzi, got stuff off my chest (and of course smoked) and I'll go back to face the day as best as I can. A best friend once reminded me that I'm tough and I can survive, but I'm so sick of having to be that way. But what other choice do I have?