Creating my Story

Remember being young and thinking that 25 was old?  That by then, love would make sense. That by then, work and family and money would all fall into place. That by then, for sure life would make sense. Now I'm creeping on 26 and I'm still waiting for all of it. In fact, most times I feel farther from those things than I ever have been. I feel more confused about those things than I can verbalize. I pretty much have none of my shit together at this point, and beginning to think about that makes my heart pound. It's funny how you have a nicely laid out plan of life and how it goes so completely sideways from that. For me, anyway. There's so many aspects of my life that have literally and figuratively knocked me on my ass, it gets overwhelming time after time. And the sad truth is that I'm gonna have to face so many more of those moments in the near and distant future. All of us have to. Maybe I have to eat my words yet again and learn to live in the moment, accept the bumps as they come and see them as a piece of the bigger picture. And maybe I have to accept that my life certainly is not going to follow any nicely laid out plan, it's simply up to me to create my own story. 

Open Up !

After another adventurous weekend with my best frieennn, I have a few different things on my mind to write about but I'll stick with one thought and see where it goes. 
My topic is speaking what's on your mind. One of the hardest things to do but really one of the most important if you want to get somewhere or something for that matter. 

If you don't speak up for yourself, who will? It you don't express how you truly feel, who will? What opportunities will be missed out on just because of a small fear. Maybe it's fear of looking "stupid" or "like a baby", or maybe it's a fear of hurting someone else. Either way, how long can we live in fear? How fair is it to you or the other person to withhold true feelings. The feelings are yours to own, so own them proudly. Don't miss out because of the hold that unjustified fear seems to have. 

The beauty is that awesome opportunities exist when someone does express their true feelings. Relationships and bonds are created, and it makes you memorable. Memorable for being vulnerable. Memorable for being open, honest, and straight forward. Qualities that are truly appreciated. It lets another person know where you stand, for better or for worse. Even if you hurt someone in the process of expressing your feelings, in the long run it is worth it. Truth is always worth it. 

For real, opening up and expressing yourself comes rare these days - as does open arms to accepting feelings, maybe. Maybe I'm just more appreciative of it because I've consistently dealt with people who are emotionally frozen and impossible to crack. I've spent countless hours hounding people to open up and be vulnerable, so coming across it by chance is a miracle in my books. So, to sum all my ramblings being vulnerable is an endearing quality that should not be underestimated. 

Trouble's Lurking

I've taken a little hiatus from the blog but it hasn't been inactive, that's for sure. I've seen the page views skyrocket. This makes me paranoid on one hand but kinda flattered on the other. Someone out there cares about what I'm saying for one reason or another. But then I question - what if the someone is someone that I don't need knowing the ins and outs of my thought patterns. Maybe it  creates an opportunity to open the door to something that I'm not prepared to handle. Maybe I'm saying too much while saying all too little. OoOooO. Who knows...but nothing changes the fact that I'm going to write about me and my life. Not right now anyways. I want to remember thoughts and feelings associated with this time so I'm going to blog. Here's hoping that no trouble comes from it - only positivity at the end of the day. For the most part hah [minus the fuck you post]. Enough rambling for the day. I'm going to skate it out - despite the fact that I'm sore as fuck from getting tattooed yesterday! Looks soooo much better in person than in picture I can't even post one, it does no justice. 

:)

Fuck you :)

Released

When no shows happen, I have time for this. When I'm annoyed, I can write it out. When I'm holding it in, I'm learning to release it. 

Phew

Who the fuck am I? You may ask this but I doubt you ask it more than I do. I recently went on a journey where I vowed to do some self evaluation and figure out who I really am and what I really want.. but surprisingly I fucked that time up and escaped to a fantasy world. It's easier to go there than to look inside I guess, especially when you know you'll find some dark things inside. I'll touch on some of those dark things but your be naive to think there's not a couple more layers to me that I'm not going to get into here. Those are up to you to figure out ;). 
I am fiercely terrified of hurting anyone. To the point of my demise  at times, I think. I am anxious. My anxiety gets the better of me a lot of times and puts me in situations or moods I wouldn't otherwise be in. I've learned to handle it immensely better than I was awhile ago, but there is definitely more work to be done. I'm a moody little girl at times. Sometimes I feel like I haven't outgrown the 13 year old me. Desperately seeking for something but never finding fulfilment. But that's not always true either because I have felt something lately. Some sense of fulfillment; although still feeling a desperate longing on top of that.. But at least the first feeling is there and can exist! Now I'll be on a never ending journey to find that feeling or comfort, safety and understanding when the timing will actually work out. Ok side track Sally. Who am I... Aha I am a person who is seeking to be an individual. That's one reason I'm happy I conquered my fear of getting tattoos (more the fear of making a decision on what to get haha). It's finally a way that my body is unique from the next 5'3" pudgy girl. And on the topic of appearance, I am a "cute" girl. The word I'm forever running from. I am always always tagged as the "cute" girl. Even this weekend I met a girl who constantly would squeeze me and mention how cute I am and how she could have me "married off" in an instant. Well first of all stop fucking squeezing me I'm 25 years old and have no desire to get "married off". I know I need to relax and take cute as a compliment, I guess it could be worse but jeesh just once I'd like to be referred to as pretty, or beautiful, or sexy! Can you imagine :) I'd give anything to feel sexy in a consistent basis. Even saying it makes me blush. Anyway what else. I am obsessed with kids but the thought of really having my own terrifies me to no end haha. Maybe because I'm at an age where I "should" be having kids and I'm going through a phase of being a kid myself! At the same time the thought of making a healthy baby makes my heart want to explode. Gosh I'm always in a battle of wanting but not wanting huh. But this topic brings up one of those deeper layers that I can't get into-all I can say is that having kids is a decision I've struggled with since a life changing blood test a few years ago, and a decision that I will no doubt struggle with daily until I can come to peace with whatever I choose to do. Ah. Feels good to get that out. Another thing. I am a thoughtful person. I'd say I'm one of the best friends you could ask for. When you're under my wing, you're fucking under there and I'll do anything for you. When I am treated well, I treat well. Hell, even when in treated like shit I tend to treat well. Another quality I have much to my detriment. I feel like I could still go on about who I am for awhile so I must be learning something over the past few months of chaos and confusion! 
Anyway the sun is shining today, I've got on a BADASS outfit (NOT "cute"!) and-well I'm alive and breathing so what else could I ask for. Today can be a good day :)
"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful" 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HpCHsO6cwx8 
"We are one in the same"

Aaand I'm gonna keep writing cause I'm driving and thinking. Shocker. I'm someone who craves validation constantly-yes despite the fact that I counsel people to do the opposite. I fall in love easily and deeply but don't ever seem to feel the benefits of that. I've never felt a deep true love reciprocated and that's the brutal truth. I'm a self sabotager to the nth degree. No problem there? You bet I'll make one. I'm constantly feeling like I have to prove myself. Whether it's as a new social worker, a girlfriend, a daughter, whatever. Always something to prove I'm so sick of it. I'm a caring person. That means a lot of different things to me. I care about people, I care about good causes, I care too much. I'm emotional to the point that passing a piece of road kill almost made me cry. I have so much emotion built up in me and it has nowhere to to; hence why I write and draw to express myself when words can't. I have a vivid imagination and get so frustrated when I can't properly express it. Same thing with my emotions. Ah. I crave independence and somehow have gotten so completely far from it. Now my heart hurts and I need to be done. 

I can feel the pressure

Life. We get one chance at this exact life. So much pressure to get it right. I'm not going to get into past or future lives, nows not the time. Tonight I'm only thinking about this exact life. I struggle with making decisions more than anyone I know. Ask me where I want to eat supper and it's like you're asking me to choose between my parents. Every possibility runs through my brain as if it's a life or death decision and I usually give up and let someone else pick. So now imagine me making life decisions. Ha. It's seriously a joke. I weigh out options constantly and I never seem to get any further ahead. I contemplate what I want and where I want to go and I come up with everything. I want this but I also want that. I want one thing while I want the exact opposite. Talk about wanting your cake and eating it too. It's so much more confusing than I think anyone truly understands. I try so hard to just live in the moment, but I don't know if that's fully allowing me to see the long term future. Does any of this even make any sense? Maybe not but that's the beauty about expressing my thoughts. Sometimes they won't make sense but I do have anonymous readers who must get something from reading along. Re reading this post has my heart and head hurting and my anxiety increasing. And now it's time to lay in bed alone with my thoughts...puurrrfect.