Just Sick

I haven't been on in awhile...not due to a lack of things to say but probably more due to uncertainty in what to post, how much to share, what feelings to write about, that good stuff. Life continues to be more dramatic than I can handle, and I'm at a point that I seriously don't know what to do about it. What I'd LIKE to do is quit everything and go to sleep for a few weeks...but just like every other time I've wanted to do that I know it's not a realistic option.  Instead today I left work, had a jacuzzi, got stuff off my chest (and of course smoked) and I'll go back to face the day as best as I can. A best friend once reminded me that I'm tough and I can survive, but I'm so sick of having to be that way. But what other choice do I have?

Creating my Story

Remember being young and thinking that 25 was old?  That by then, love would make sense. That by then, work and family and money would all fall into place. That by then, for sure life would make sense. Now I'm creeping on 26 and I'm still waiting for all of it. In fact, most times I feel farther from those things than I ever have been. I feel more confused about those things than I can verbalize. I pretty much have none of my shit together at this point, and beginning to think about that makes my heart pound. It's funny how you have a nicely laid out plan of life and how it goes so completely sideways from that. For me, anyway. There's so many aspects of my life that have literally and figuratively knocked me on my ass, it gets overwhelming time after time. And the sad truth is that I'm gonna have to face so many more of those moments in the near and distant future. All of us have to. Maybe I have to eat my words yet again and learn to live in the moment, accept the bumps as they come and see them as a piece of the bigger picture. And maybe I have to accept that my life certainly is not going to follow any nicely laid out plan, it's simply up to me to create my own story. 

Open Up !

After another adventurous weekend with my best frieennn, I have a few different things on my mind to write about but I'll stick with one thought and see where it goes. 
My topic is speaking what's on your mind. One of the hardest things to do but really one of the most important if you want to get somewhere or something for that matter. 

If you don't speak up for yourself, who will? It you don't express how you truly feel, who will? What opportunities will be missed out on just because of a small fear. Maybe it's fear of looking "stupid" or "like a baby", or maybe it's a fear of hurting someone else. Either way, how long can we live in fear? How fair is it to you or the other person to withhold true feelings. The feelings are yours to own, so own them proudly. Don't miss out because of the hold that unjustified fear seems to have. 

The beauty is that awesome opportunities exist when someone does express their true feelings. Relationships and bonds are created, and it makes you memorable. Memorable for being vulnerable. Memorable for being open, honest, and straight forward. Qualities that are truly appreciated. It lets another person know where you stand, for better or for worse. Even if you hurt someone in the process of expressing your feelings, in the long run it is worth it. Truth is always worth it. 

For real, opening up and expressing yourself comes rare these days - as does open arms to accepting feelings, maybe. Maybe I'm just more appreciative of it because I've consistently dealt with people who are emotionally frozen and impossible to crack. I've spent countless hours hounding people to open up and be vulnerable, so coming across it by chance is a miracle in my books. So, to sum all my ramblings being vulnerable is an endearing quality that should not be underestimated. 

Trouble's Lurking

I've taken a little hiatus from the blog but it hasn't been inactive, that's for sure. I've seen the page views skyrocket. This makes me paranoid on one hand but kinda flattered on the other. Someone out there cares about what I'm saying for one reason or another. But then I question - what if the someone is someone that I don't need knowing the ins and outs of my thought patterns. Maybe it  creates an opportunity to open the door to something that I'm not prepared to handle. Maybe I'm saying too much while saying all too little. OoOooO. Who knows...but nothing changes the fact that I'm going to write about me and my life. Not right now anyways. I want to remember thoughts and feelings associated with this time so I'm going to blog. Here's hoping that no trouble comes from it - only positivity at the end of the day. For the most part hah [minus the fuck you post]. Enough rambling for the day. I'm going to skate it out - despite the fact that I'm sore as fuck from getting tattooed yesterday! Looks soooo much better in person than in picture I can't even post one, it does no justice. 

:)

Fuck you :)

Released

When no shows happen, I have time for this. When I'm annoyed, I can write it out. When I'm holding it in, I'm learning to release it. 

Phew

Who the fuck am I? You may ask this but I doubt you ask it more than I do. I recently went on a journey where I vowed to do some self evaluation and figure out who I really am and what I really want.. but surprisingly I fucked that time up and escaped to a fantasy world. It's easier to go there than to look inside I guess, especially when you know you'll find some dark things inside. I'll touch on some of those dark things but your be naive to think there's not a couple more layers to me that I'm not going to get into here. Those are up to you to figure out ;). 
I am fiercely terrified of hurting anyone. To the point of my demise  at times, I think. I am anxious. My anxiety gets the better of me a lot of times and puts me in situations or moods I wouldn't otherwise be in. I've learned to handle it immensely better than I was awhile ago, but there is definitely more work to be done. I'm a moody little girl at times. Sometimes I feel like I haven't outgrown the 13 year old me. Desperately seeking for something but never finding fulfilment. But that's not always true either because I have felt something lately. Some sense of fulfillment; although still feeling a desperate longing on top of that.. But at least the first feeling is there and can exist! Now I'll be on a never ending journey to find that feeling or comfort, safety and understanding when the timing will actually work out. Ok side track Sally. Who am I... Aha I am a person who is seeking to be an individual. That's one reason I'm happy I conquered my fear of getting tattoos (more the fear of making a decision on what to get haha). It's finally a way that my body is unique from the next 5'3" pudgy girl. And on the topic of appearance, I am a "cute" girl. The word I'm forever running from. I am always always tagged as the "cute" girl. Even this weekend I met a girl who constantly would squeeze me and mention how cute I am and how she could have me "married off" in an instant. Well first of all stop fucking squeezing me I'm 25 years old and have no desire to get "married off". I know I need to relax and take cute as a compliment, I guess it could be worse but jeesh just once I'd like to be referred to as pretty, or beautiful, or sexy! Can you imagine :) I'd give anything to feel sexy in a consistent basis. Even saying it makes me blush. Anyway what else. I am obsessed with kids but the thought of really having my own terrifies me to no end haha. Maybe because I'm at an age where I "should" be having kids and I'm going through a phase of being a kid myself! At the same time the thought of making a healthy baby makes my heart want to explode. Gosh I'm always in a battle of wanting but not wanting huh. But this topic brings up one of those deeper layers that I can't get into-all I can say is that having kids is a decision I've struggled with since a life changing blood test a few years ago, and a decision that I will no doubt struggle with daily until I can come to peace with whatever I choose to do. Ah. Feels good to get that out. Another thing. I am a thoughtful person. I'd say I'm one of the best friends you could ask for. When you're under my wing, you're fucking under there and I'll do anything for you. When I am treated well, I treat well. Hell, even when in treated like shit I tend to treat well. Another quality I have much to my detriment. I feel like I could still go on about who I am for awhile so I must be learning something over the past few months of chaos and confusion! 
Anyway the sun is shining today, I've got on a BADASS outfit (NOT "cute"!) and-well I'm alive and breathing so what else could I ask for. Today can be a good day :)
"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful" 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HpCHsO6cwx8 
"We are one in the same"

Aaand I'm gonna keep writing cause I'm driving and thinking. Shocker. I'm someone who craves validation constantly-yes despite the fact that I counsel people to do the opposite. I fall in love easily and deeply but don't ever seem to feel the benefits of that. I've never felt a deep true love reciprocated and that's the brutal truth. I'm a self sabotager to the nth degree. No problem there? You bet I'll make one. I'm constantly feeling like I have to prove myself. Whether it's as a new social worker, a girlfriend, a daughter, whatever. Always something to prove I'm so sick of it. I'm a caring person. That means a lot of different things to me. I care about people, I care about good causes, I care too much. I'm emotional to the point that passing a piece of road kill almost made me cry. I have so much emotion built up in me and it has nowhere to to; hence why I write and draw to express myself when words can't. I have a vivid imagination and get so frustrated when I can't properly express it. Same thing with my emotions. Ah. I crave independence and somehow have gotten so completely far from it. Now my heart hurts and I need to be done. 

I can feel the pressure

Life. We get one chance at this exact life. So much pressure to get it right. I'm not going to get into past or future lives, nows not the time. Tonight I'm only thinking about this exact life. I struggle with making decisions more than anyone I know. Ask me where I want to eat supper and it's like you're asking me to choose between my parents. Every possibility runs through my brain as if it's a life or death decision and I usually give up and let someone else pick. So now imagine me making life decisions. Ha. It's seriously a joke. I weigh out options constantly and I never seem to get any further ahead. I contemplate what I want and where I want to go and I come up with everything. I want this but I also want that. I want one thing while I want the exact opposite. Talk about wanting your cake and eating it too. It's so much more confusing than I think anyone truly understands. I try so hard to just live in the moment, but I don't know if that's fully allowing me to see the long term future. Does any of this even make any sense? Maybe not but that's the beauty about expressing my thoughts. Sometimes they won't make sense but I do have anonymous readers who must get something from reading along. Re reading this post has my heart and head hurting and my anxiety increasing. And now it's time to lay in bed alone with my thoughts...puurrrfect. 

"Maybe some day but not now"

Some day I'll get the chance to express how I feel. Some day I'll put paper to pen and get it all out. I'll send a message. I'll explain my side. I'll reveal where this heart is coming from. Despite the fact that my heart comes out in twisted ways, I'll show you that my intentions were good all along. It's funny how a person can have all the necessary skills to express themself but fall completely short every time. I've said it once and I'll say it a million times-i am misunderstood day in and day out. Slowly I'm realizing that this is my fault but I don't know how to change. I follow my heart and I don't know if I can apologize for that. 
I've caused chaos and I humbly accept that fact, but I've been searching for something all along and I'm not giving up. I'm sorry that I suck in revealing myself, I'm sorry that I hurt people along the way but most of all I'm sorry that I've put myself on the line again and again only to receive the same result. I really hope that the people I care about reading this are doing so and can accept that some times (most times) I fuck up but I truly mean well along the way. I'm just gonna keep looking after me and hope that some day, somewhere, somehow, I'll get a good result from doing that. 

On THAT note-I'm doing me today. More learning to skate tonight but the day started out with a new piercing :) 

Give Thanks for..

These days I can be grateful for sharp black eyeliner (my favorite), times and photo shoots with my pups, and my new vape pen. Cheers - happy weekend -do what you gotta do and look after yourself.

Glad you're dead whore

Ugh not sure why whore is wh*red out, annoying. Anyway. Best song on the radio right now. Maybe tied with I'm Glad You're Dead. :)

I'm the girl you're thinking about
The one thing you can't live without
Yeah, I'm the girl you've been waiting for
I'll have you down on your knees
I'll have you begging for more

You probably thought I wouldn't get this far
You thought I'd end up in the back of a car
You probably thought that I'd never escape
I'd be a rat in a cage, I'd be enslaved in this place

You don't know how hard I fought to survive
Waking up all alone when I was left to die
And you don't know about this life I've lived
Or these roads I've walked
Or these tears I've bled

So how can this be?
You're praying to me
There's a look in your eyes
I know just what that means
I can be, I can be your everything...

I can be your wh*re
I am the dark you created
I am the sinner
I am your wh*re
Let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

I'm the one that you need and fear
Now that you heard this I'll be coming clear
That higher judgement that you placed on me is a reflection of the stuff I write

So maybe next time when you cast your stones
From the shadows and the dark unknown
You will crawl out of your hiding place
Take a look in the mirror and see the truth on your face

So how can this be?
You're praying to me
There's a look in your eyes
I know just what that means
I can be, I can be your everything...

I can be your wh*re
I am the dark you created
I am the sinner
I am your wh*re
Let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

The
That's a look on
I am the dark you created
I am the sinner
I am your wh*re
Let me tell you something baby
You love me
You want me
You need me

So how can this be?
You're praying to me
There's a look in your eyes
I know just what that means
I can be, I can be your everything...

I can be your wh*re
I am the dark you created
I am the sinner
I am your wh*re
Let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

Blocked Crown

Write, delete. Write, delete. Repeat repeat repeat. 

That's this post in a nut shell. There's a hundred different things I want to write about but I can't seem to find the words to say or come up with the flow to express myself. I learned last night that my crown chakra is blocked so this makes sense. I'm curious to see what more I'll learn about chakras in the next eight weeks as I take a little "spiritual" journey. I know for a fact I'm going to struggle with connecting and trusting my inner soul, but I also need to evaluate and improve that. Well, less evaluating and more improving. I need to have willingness to open myself up and look inside, strength for what I may find and courage to face it with dignity.  Boom baby here I go. 

FML

Don't you love having the best intentions but almost always being taken the wrong way? Seriously. Theme of my life. Unless - like I've been told - the problem really is me. Maybe I really am the bad person I've been told I am. I work so hard to fight those demon voices on my own but it gets a little tough when people feed it. I'm sick of being taken the wrong way. I'm sick of having to analyze everything I do in fear of judgment. I'm sick of having to prove myself over and over. Ugh LIFE

MEAT

Time to talk about my newest obsession. An obsession that has me feeling crippled today. Roller skating!!! And beyond that: roller derby. To me, roller derby is one of the MOST badass things to do. It's rough, it's gritty and it's where sweet girls' alter ego can come out to play. But up until now, I've always been waaay too anxious to actually pursue this badassery. 
BUT Since putting skates on on Sunday, my mind has been on one thing. Even my dreams... Last night I dreamt I was an awesome roller skater, doing crossovers and skating backwards no big deal. Clearly my dream was shattered the second I moved because every muscle in my body seems to be sore. I was fine Monday, but I opted not to get on the treadclimber which was a mistake because my muscles feel like they seized up. So as I write I'm walking on the treadclimber because tomorrow is the next roller skating session. I am sooOoOo excited to get my own skates and gear in the mail (being shipped tomorrow!) and get back on the concrete. I've begun learning the roles in roller derby as well as some of the rules. It's overwhelming but it's fun to learn a new sport. I just hope that my determination comes through and I have some skill to go along with this otherwise I'll sure be disappointed in myself ! So now I didn't just do the treadclimber tonight, I'm pushing myself more than that. I need my cardio up to keep up with the big dogs. I need to start learning coordination so I don't look like a fool. I ran around the farm, practised grapevines, stretched out my legs and worked on trusting myself running backwards. I ran with Lucky and Cocoa (well, they walk-jogged along side me). Now it's time to hit the books..I wanna watch videos and read bios to get myself even more focused. 
SO excited about my new obsession.... Oh what can come if you just put fear aside and try something new! :)