Phew

Who the fuck am I? You may ask this but I doubt you ask it more than I do. I recently went on a journey where I vowed to do some self evaluation and figure out who I really am and what I really want.. but surprisingly I fucked that time up and escaped to a fantasy world. It's easier to go there than to look inside I guess, especially when you know you'll find some dark things inside. I'll touch on some of those dark things but your be naive to think there's not a couple more layers to me that I'm not going to get into here. Those are up to you to figure out ;). 
I am fiercely terrified of hurting anyone. To the point of my demise  at times, I think. I am anxious. My anxiety gets the better of me a lot of times and puts me in situations or moods I wouldn't otherwise be in. I've learned to handle it immensely better than I was awhile ago, but there is definitely more work to be done. I'm a moody little girl at times. Sometimes I feel like I haven't outgrown the 13 year old me. Desperately seeking for something but never finding fulfilment. But that's not always true either because I have felt something lately. Some sense of fulfillment; although still feeling a desperate longing on top of that.. But at least the first feeling is there and can exist! Now I'll be on a never ending journey to find that feeling or comfort, safety and understanding when the timing will actually work out. Ok side track Sally. Who am I... Aha I am a person who is seeking to be an individual. That's one reason I'm happy I conquered my fear of getting tattoos (more the fear of making a decision on what to get haha). It's finally a way that my body is unique from the next 5'3" pudgy girl. And on the topic of appearance, I am a "cute" girl. The word I'm forever running from. I am always always tagged as the "cute" girl. Even this weekend I met a girl who constantly would squeeze me and mention how cute I am and how she could have me "married off" in an instant. Well first of all stop fucking squeezing me I'm 25 years old and have no desire to get "married off". I know I need to relax and take cute as a compliment, I guess it could be worse but jeesh just once I'd like to be referred to as pretty, or beautiful, or sexy! Can you imagine :) I'd give anything to feel sexy in a consistent basis. Even saying it makes me blush. Anyway what else. I am obsessed with kids but the thought of really having my own terrifies me to no end haha. Maybe because I'm at an age where I "should" be having kids and I'm going through a phase of being a kid myself! At the same time the thought of making a healthy baby makes my heart want to explode. Gosh I'm always in a battle of wanting but not wanting huh. But this topic brings up one of those deeper layers that I can't get into-all I can say is that having kids is a decision I've struggled with since a life changing blood test a few years ago, and a decision that I will no doubt struggle with daily until I can come to peace with whatever I choose to do. Ah. Feels good to get that out. Another thing. I am a thoughtful person. I'd say I'm one of the best friends you could ask for. When you're under my wing, you're fucking under there and I'll do anything for you. When I am treated well, I treat well. Hell, even when in treated like shit I tend to treat well. Another quality I have much to my detriment. I feel like I could still go on about who I am for awhile so I must be learning something over the past few months of chaos and confusion! 
Anyway the sun is shining today, I've got on a BADASS outfit (NOT "cute"!) and-well I'm alive and breathing so what else could I ask for. Today can be a good day :)
"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful" 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HpCHsO6cwx8 
"We are one in the same"

Aaand I'm gonna keep writing cause I'm driving and thinking. Shocker. I'm someone who craves validation constantly-yes despite the fact that I counsel people to do the opposite. I fall in love easily and deeply but don't ever seem to feel the benefits of that. I've never felt a deep true love reciprocated and that's the brutal truth. I'm a self sabotager to the nth degree. No problem there? You bet I'll make one. I'm constantly feeling like I have to prove myself. Whether it's as a new social worker, a girlfriend, a daughter, whatever. Always something to prove I'm so sick of it. I'm a caring person. That means a lot of different things to me. I care about people, I care about good causes, I care too much. I'm emotional to the point that passing a piece of road kill almost made me cry. I have so much emotion built up in me and it has nowhere to to; hence why I write and draw to express myself when words can't. I have a vivid imagination and get so frustrated when I can't properly express it. Same thing with my emotions. Ah. I crave independence and somehow have gotten so completely far from it. Now my heart hurts and I need to be done.