This Job-

I love blowing people's minds...in a good way. I love when a client doubts me and I can shock them. I love when they come in fearing judgment, and they get the exact opposite: complete acceptance. I love when they expect naivety and they get knowledge. I love when they fear revealing the truth, but find peace in letting it go. I love when they expect a by-the-book social worker, and I use words they would use, like "shit" and "fuck". "Fuck it", "fuck them", "let them deal with their shit", "stay away from the shit" are phrases that come out in my office. It may not be the most therapeutic way, but sometimes it is what people need to hear and the attitude they need to take. It's usually really hard for me to recognize what I love (or some days even LIKE) about this job, but it's the truth that "shocking" people is a thrill. Proving their fears wrong is fun. Proving their doubts wrong is what I thrive for. Another thing I love. The diversity that I have seen. I attended an educational seminar yesterday regarding culture, and it made me aware of how much I truly appreciate different cultures and being exposed to them. Not only different cultures, but different PEOPLE in general. I've almost seen it all in here: foreigners here to work, oil patch men here to work, local farmers, gay, straight, abusers, business men and women, victims of abuse...the list goes on almost forever. I am blessed to have been exposed to these various people, no matter how "down" I get about my job some days. May I repeat...I AM BLESSED to have been touched by these people. I have met single moms who make ends meet in impossible situations; heard women tell stories of HORRENDOUS abuse they have survived; consoled people who lose siblings at a young age; people who go through some of the hardest situations imaginable but persevere. How can I not be inspired every day? Now, let's keep in mind that clearly I have had a "good" week of clients. A "good" week of crisis. A "good" last session that's got me on a high. There are days where I simply cannot feel that way; that's the truth. There are days where I will see plateau's in people when I know they can do better. There are days where I feel the frustration of people simply not giving a shit about themselves. The days I feel anger because people refuse to accept that they know how to feel better. But on those days...I need to remind myself of these days. The days where I see amazing change. The days where I am inspired by people who open up and truly desire change. The days where I am thankful to have been a part of their lives, no matter for how short (or long!) a time.

Go Time

Today I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone. It's funny though because I'm doing something that I've always envisioned myself doing. I've practised, I've organized everything and now it's go time. Time to help a group of people through depression. I'm so excited but is be lying if I said I'm not sooo anxious about it. As if I know what I'm doing up there!!! But there's my little devil brain talking, because I DO know the stuff and I CAN be a good support; no forgetting that. I'm happy a lot of the people attending are already my own clients, so they understand that I'm not perfect, that I stumble with words sometimes and that I use the weirdest imagery to describe what I'm saying. That will help me feel a bit more comfortable.

It's time to ask myself though…what am I really anxious about? Looking like a fool? Getting questions I don't know how to answer? Balancing the dynamics of the group? I can truthfully say that parts of each of those have crossed my mind but the bottom line STILL always comes down to self esteem! I'm not confident that I can do this. I'm freaked out about what the group members will think of me. I'm terrified of not being good enough. But good enough for who?? I've helped clients in the past, so why can't i do it again? I need to remind myself again that I can and I will do it over and over, no matter how self defeating my devil brain can be.

Here's to starting new adventures and having as much confidence as possible.

Goof

Ohh how a little change and time with family can mend a hurting heart. Obsessed with my new hair and looking forward to a night out with my sisters. 

Thinking and Feeling

I spend most of my days explaining the connection between thoughts and feelings. If you think a certain way you'll feel a certain way. That's a fact. But now I'm confused because I have feelings that I cannot explain. Today I spent a refreshing hour with someone who reassured me that sometimes you feel a certain way and you can't justify it. There's no real reason for the feeling but it's there. And sometimes that's okay. Just because you can't justify it doesn't mean the feelings aren't true to you. Even though it basically contradicts everything I do day to day, today I have to go with it. And the lesson of the day is to look for help because you never know when you'll find it in the strangest of places. Thank you to a stranger who opened her heart to me and helped open mine in the process.

Moulding

Do we ever really outgrow the image that people paint us in? Especially in a town like this, it seems like you will always remain that person you were in middle school. Or maybe that's just me since that's shortly before I left!?! Hmmm. 
Either way, in my life it seems that once people have established a (usually false) idea of who I am, I am written off as just that. Whether it's a bitch, a rebel, a stoner, a whore.. It seems like people use one incident and apply that to my entire being. Or again. Maybe I am the one who is all of those things and just refuses to see it. Maybe I'm the one who's completely fucked up...the moral of the last few months. It's been hard for me to keep my head up and move forward, being told that over and over. But do other peoples opinions define me at all?? I know what I'd tell someone who asked me that. I'd tell them to fuck em and look after themselves. So that's what I'm starting to do. I'm getting my tattoos, I'm dying my hair, I'm getting my piercing, I'm becoming me whether anyone likes it or not. I'm becoming the me that I want to be-that's the beauty of life-becoming whoever we want to be. Moulding ourselves into outer expressions of our inner souls... One day I hope I can properly emulate what I feel so strongly inside...deep love, compassion, awareness, adventure, and pure kindness. So cheesy right?  

Deadly Day

Is it weird that I'm obsessed with looking at obituaries? I find something so fascinating about reading a persons history. I can feel a connection to families grief when reading a complete strangers obit. There is so much heartfelt emotion written into obituaries, it moves my soul and truthfully (/embarrassingly) brings me to tears at times. Some obituaries go on and on while others are short.  Some praise the deceased as if they were a god on earth while others are right to the point. I skip through some quickly while I read others word for word. But at the end of the day, our obituary is in a sense a final contribution to the world from our souls.  A final glimpse for strangers and friends alike to recap what's been done. A final piece of history that is somehow supposed to define an entire life of trials and tribulations. But does it really? Does one single piece of writing define who we are as people and the contribution we had to the world while we walk it?  I guess we are all remembered by more than just this final piece at the end of the day, but it's weird to think that one day all that will be left of us is an obituary in an old newspaper. 

One of the most moving ones I've read in awhile:

My buddy My pal

Best weekend ever :D 
It's sooooooo nice to be able to spend time with someone who GETS you. I don't even know how many of those people I have in life at this point....easily countable on one hand that's for sure. We spent Friday night catching up on life and were up and at er early Saturday before the run. We got dressed up, right in sync as usual, and began the day doing what we usually do: cruise around and do errands like chickens with our heads cut off. Then came time for socialization. Hahaha. Socialization meaning standing together alone at a party and quickly coming up with excuses to leave. Went to the first bar, had a couple drinks, shared the bathroom a couple times, then ran down the hill...just us two. In a crowd of hundreds of people running down, we ran down alone. Then got a cab to smoke and order pizza. And stayed for hours. Hah while there is an entire bar run going on in town, there we are laying low and hanging out alone. Just the way we like it. For anyone else it might sound like the most boring weekend but for us, it was absolutely perfect!!! I miss my best friend and am completely envious of anyone who lives remotely close to people who get them for them. 

Songs

My recommendation for the day, complete with a whistle solo for your truly ;)

Can't keep up with my rhythm

Though they keep trying.

Too quick for the lines they throw.

I walk to the sound of my own drum,

It goes, they go, we go...

Another song I really liked today was called Whore. Hah, how suitable right? Read your mind. 

Finally, one that makes me smile every time:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3Js4YZ1z0to

B o b

ANXIETY!!!! Little devil is bugging me haha SO I'm distracting myself. With none other than music. Goood, meaningful and positive music. Bob Marley duh. Time to take a few deep breaths and let the vibe flow through me... That's the beauty of music. Want to be sad? I can think of a few songs to listen to. Wanna get pumped up? Definitely songs for that. I'm excited to teach people about the possible positive benefits that come from music in a support group I'm doing for depression at the end of this month into April. Maybe I'll even bust out Bob to relax everyone 😊. Otherwise I've changed the channel on Sirius, listening to different types of music cause sometimes "double cup with my top down" and "she just wanna smoke n fuck" gets old. I miss the oldies I used to pump like nirvana and blink 182, I've caught myself smiling a few times over the last few days listening to em. Anyway this was a random little tangent but look-my anxiety came down a couple notches wooo. Even though I haven't dealt with the true source hah oh well maybe that'll be tomorrow. 

Don't let them fool ya,

Or even try to school ya

We've got a mind of our own,

So go to hell if what you're thinking is not right!

Love would never leave us alone,

I am the darkness there must come out the light.

Ankleweighted

And I working directly against myself? Am I making myself sicker than I need to be? Or have I found a way to actually deal with it? I think of drowning.. how bad would it be to realize I'm drowning myself? That it's actually me holding me down not other people. How bad would it need to come up for air and realize that I had the ability to take the ankle weights off the whole entire time?  But that's just it.  I do have the power to take off the ankle weights I just have to figure out what ankle weights are exactly. Am I making any sense here?

Pondering... Maybe too Much

What a strugglesome day. Relationships are the hardest thing in life, and having to advise people on how to manage relationships can be so overwhelming sometimes!! People are fluid..they are changing constantly, everyone has personality traits that throw curve balls into situations let alone our backgrounds and perceptions that completely shape us into who we are and how we see ourselves. I got into social work because of interesting human dynamics and now it seems my life is a constant state of dynamics. I've been blamed for causing chaos and involving people when I shouldn't, and I've had to have some ownership for decisions made, both in work and personal life. Sure it's made me stronger in some sense but fuck....who woulda thought my heart would get so hurt in the meantime. It's shitty, the feeling that your chest is going to explode at any second. A feeling that sometimes drives positive emotions and exciting new situations or that can completely tear you apart. How do you tell someone to stay or go? How do you tell them what's wrong or right? What's acceptable or not? What expectations they can have and need to let go of? How do I tell myself these things??? Just a brief insight to a minute into my day, week, month...
Another thing. Finality. So overwhelming but sometimes so needed. Closure for example. Everyone has their own way of coming to closure with something, but I seem to struggle. I hate finality but at the same time I crave it. That won't make sense for most people but for me it is ruining me right now. I need closure on past relationships, which again is something I rarely get through work as well. But it makes sense. Gotta let go of the things in the rear view before you can see straight ahead. Doesn't change that the road is so damn windy ahead but at least looking at the curves is realistic. Anyway. I need to draw now. Release some of this stress. Ahhhhhhhhhhh deep breath and remind myself I can do this..whatever "this" is!!?!!

Zombanimals

Fascination with drawing creepy little animals :)

Dates

As much as I'd love to write about how well I distracted myself from anxiety today, sadly I cannot do that- I simply slept the day away again which is for me the easiest way to cope. Not the most realistic but today it worked. But tonight I'm thinking of three upcoming dates: March 22, 23 and April 15. 
Hair. Piercing. Tattoo. Yaaaahhhh!! I SERIOUSLY think I'm going with my gut and getting purple in my hair :D. Then, double nose. Then, color in my flowers! I've decided I want certain colours I can see in my mind-deep red, darker purple, deep blues..it will be gorgeous I already know it. Plus I'm going up with one sister for sure and hopefully my other!! Little road trip with the 3 of us would be so good for us. That's what I need to keep me going..time with people. Time talking and bouncing things off people who listen and have life experience to help little naive me. 
ANYWAY queen of tangents, time for bed. Monday comes quickly. Here's to another 5 day work week coming up and never knowing what that means! 

Anxiety Girl

Anxiety: how 10am on a Sunday feels like the most important moment of your life that's been building up for days. But is it? Or is my mind just going toooo fast to be able to digest any of it. Who knows but it's critical for me to get distracting myself today, cause constantly looking at Instagram is not making time go by any faster.

Love Yourself?

Can I first say I'm obsessed with the loveyourself selfie thing going around!? I've seen so many pictures of girls who are usually caked with makeup and actually look gorgeous without! So crazy what societal pressure causes. Which brings me to me. I thought Id sneak under the radar and avoid a nomination for this, but I thought wrong. Now it's my turn to post one and guess what. I don't know if I can do it. As someone who struggles 9 minutes out of 10 with low self esteem, this thought is terrifying. NOW as someone who helps people with self esteem, I'd be SO excited at this opportunity with a client because this is the BEST exposure. Most terrifying, but that usually means most effective. Maybe for me to work on my self esteem, putting my bare face out there for the world to see is what I need. Or maybe I'm just trying to pump myself up for something that there's a good chance I can't do. 

Rando McRandy

Ahhh laying in bed trying to think of what to write tonight. I need to write about something but my thoughts are too fast to organize which thing I need to really talk about. Maybe I'll really just be as random as I feel right now. 
Firstly. My fish at work, Charlie. It's a beta fish, I don't know if it's a boy or girl or if fish really have gender, not the point of why I'm talking about him/her anyways. I SWEAR that my fish knows when I am in that room and especially when I sit in the chair beside the bowl. Its so weird to have a connection with something like a fish. Who woulda thunk. 
Almost lastly. Being a pestering bug. I've sent a message to a lady asking if she'd like to meet up and talk about some business stuff. She immediately replied that she was interested so I offered some dates. She has not responded. Whaaat the effff do i do now? Send her another message asking if she's changed her mind? If this week works? If we could do a quick coffee instead? I have noOOooO idea. 
Finally, diaper cakes. I find that immediately after I leave work (and lots of times during, let's be honest) my brain switches to cakes. I really enjoy making them. The problem now is that I have a house full of diaper cakes. I think I could squeeze maybe one more in, since I'm dropping one off tomorrow, but otherwise it's ridiculous! I need to get selling more but I don't know how to go about it.. I'll just keep at advertising I suppose and hope that word goes around! 
To end this most random post of all, a picture of my most favourite snack of all time. 

To hue or not to hue

The great debate continues-colour or no colour!?  I drew both of these and both looked good without colour, but after adding  it, they undeniably look better with colour and I'm not even good at filling colour in! The reason I have this debate is because of tattoos... I've always thought I wanted black and grey only, but since getting the outline of my flowers I've had to really think of the possibility  of colour.  Who knows what I'll come up with, I'm the worst with decisions. 

Busy ness

Can't complain of boredom anymore. Picked up the pencil and have enjoyed creating weird little drawings. Well, free-handing some image I find online is a better way to say it. 

Whiner

After a long day of whining that I'm "sooo bored" and sleeping part of the day away, I've tried hard tonight to shift my thinking. I've read little inspirational things on Pinterest saying that someone would be happy to be where you are, or what you have now is what you once wanted. It's hard for me to get and stay in that mindset but it really is true. I can sit and hate everything about where I am and what I have, or I can realize that I'm beyond blessed for all I have around me. Sure I may hate parts of my job, but isn't that part of life? Sure my home life has issues, but whose doesn't? I have to continue doing perspective-checks with myself now and then..maybe daily until it becomes habit.
On a side note, in my boredom today I became a little crafty and decorated myself. Sharpies are the best :)