Curiosity Killed the Cat

Ohhhhh life life life. This blog has been dormant for awhile. Mostly because I simply cannot figure out how much of my real personal life I want to share on a public platform. But I can sum it up...as much as I can sum anything up haha.
Basically the image of life that I've been grasping into for the last five years has now changed. In a day (or a month, or a year depending on your interpretation) , life has changed and I am on a completely new journey. Within a day, I lost best friends and things will never be the same as they once were. But also within a day, a new fire can erupt. A new passion call be filled, a new life can be created. Ultimately  what you choose to do in a time of distress builds you or breaks you, but the CHOICE is yours. The choice is mine. Now to make dreams happen.
On a side note. It's funny how people have the tendency to gossip about EVERYTHING!! In my office it is so fascinating to watch news spread like wildfire..this office door closing, that whisper...all of a sudden people are asking questions when I haven't told them a single thing haha. The irony is that these are people who are in professions where confidentiality and respect for anther person are two of the main components but YOU KNOW that's my little rant for the day.
Last random note for the day. I seriously wanna get a tattoo of my cat :D how adorable would that be. I'm totally doing it. Sometime when I'm not driving I'll write about other interesting things...like the  walking monk, intentions and expectations, my puppies, the adventures of my cat, this trip out west, more life and more drama...the usuals.

Assssholes Unite

Wisdom teeth have officially knocked me on my butt for the last week. I thought that day by day they would get better, but turns out that they progressively got worse. I've been taking more Tylenol than a person needs to, but I cannot function otherwise. It's crazy how one area of pain can literally reach through your entire body. Anyways, here's hoping that I'm through the majority of pain and that it will get better from here on out after re-visiting the dentist yesterday. Seriously, I'd get 100 more tattoos before having him fuck with my dry socket again. Just thinking of the pain makes my back arch in pain. Other than this, I've been thinking soo much about how we treat people in our lives. Lately I've received good treatment from some people, "OK" treatment from some people, and downright shitty treatment from some people. It's funny how your opinion of people can change as they begin to treat you differently. It's also funny how people can shift how they treat you without you really doing anything to cause the shift. Does that make sense? I let people play with my emotions more than I need to, and to be honest I'm really really really sick of it. All I want to do is focus on myself (sounds bad, right?) and do what I need to do. Go where I need to go. Not give a fuck about who says what, who wants me to do this or that. So, it's time to do that...I just need a few things ironed out...like where exactly I'm going and what exactly I'll do HA but...other than that...it's time. But a few questions will always remain...like why do people treat others like crap at all? Even someone you have the teeniest amount of respect, admiration, like, trust, whatever, with or for.. why treat them poorly at all? Why treat ANYONE poorly? What does it do for you? But on the other hand, I get it. I've chatted with a friend recently about the benefits of guys being assholes. They're assholes because they can be. Because they get away with it. Because somehow, they continue to "win" despite treating people like crap. Until they stop "winning" from acting the way they do, they'll never stop. They'll never show real respect, and they'll never truly be themselves in a relationship. And as I re-read this, I realize how contradictory I am. I can bitch about treating people like crap...but as if I haven't done the exact same thing. Fuck. Eye opening little blog post, here. Depressssing.

Dreaming about Reality

Thoughts. Dreams. Reality. How do you separate them? How do you relate them? How do you pull it all together? And then what happens? Happiness and peace? Or regret and defeat? 
Everyone has dreams; to own a house, to get married, to travel the world, to be independent; whatever. Each individual has unique and special dreams that they hold dear to their hearts. Seeking fulfilment from a dream is what keeps us going as human beings. Seeking for growth and change and achievement keeps us going. 
Then comes in reality. Bills, money, barriers, hurt feelings; whatever. Fear could almost be listed as a reality, but to say that is ludicrous. Fear is based on unreality. 
Each of our dreams and each of our realities bring us to a different spot in life, a different fork in the road, a different crossroads. But the question for me right now is: when or how do we know that our dreams are unrealistic? Maybe more importantly, how do we know when they're realistic, when they're achievable, and when they'll pay off? Or do we ever really know, it's just taking the risk that can prove it right or wrong? 

Just Sick

I haven't been on in awhile...not due to a lack of things to say but probably more due to uncertainty in what to post, how much to share, what feelings to write about, that good stuff. Life continues to be more dramatic than I can handle, and I'm at a point that I seriously don't know what to do about it. What I'd LIKE to do is quit everything and go to sleep for a few weeks...but just like every other time I've wanted to do that I know it's not a realistic option.  Instead today I left work, had a jacuzzi, got stuff off my chest (and of course smoked) and I'll go back to face the day as best as I can. A best friend once reminded me that I'm tough and I can survive, but I'm so sick of having to be that way. But what other choice do I have?

Creating my Story

Remember being young and thinking that 25 was old?  That by then, love would make sense. That by then, work and family and money would all fall into place. That by then, for sure life would make sense. Now I'm creeping on 26 and I'm still waiting for all of it. In fact, most times I feel farther from those things than I ever have been. I feel more confused about those things than I can verbalize. I pretty much have none of my shit together at this point, and beginning to think about that makes my heart pound. It's funny how you have a nicely laid out plan of life and how it goes so completely sideways from that. For me, anyway. There's so many aspects of my life that have literally and figuratively knocked me on my ass, it gets overwhelming time after time. And the sad truth is that I'm gonna have to face so many more of those moments in the near and distant future. All of us have to. Maybe I have to eat my words yet again and learn to live in the moment, accept the bumps as they come and see them as a piece of the bigger picture. And maybe I have to accept that my life certainly is not going to follow any nicely laid out plan, it's simply up to me to create my own story. 

Open Up !

After another adventurous weekend with my best frieennn, I have a few different things on my mind to write about but I'll stick with one thought and see where it goes. 
My topic is speaking what's on your mind. One of the hardest things to do but really one of the most important if you want to get somewhere or something for that matter. 

If you don't speak up for yourself, who will? It you don't express how you truly feel, who will? What opportunities will be missed out on just because of a small fear. Maybe it's fear of looking "stupid" or "like a baby", or maybe it's a fear of hurting someone else. Either way, how long can we live in fear? How fair is it to you or the other person to withhold true feelings. The feelings are yours to own, so own them proudly. Don't miss out because of the hold that unjustified fear seems to have. 

The beauty is that awesome opportunities exist when someone does express their true feelings. Relationships and bonds are created, and it makes you memorable. Memorable for being vulnerable. Memorable for being open, honest, and straight forward. Qualities that are truly appreciated. It lets another person know where you stand, for better or for worse. Even if you hurt someone in the process of expressing your feelings, in the long run it is worth it. Truth is always worth it. 

For real, opening up and expressing yourself comes rare these days - as does open arms to accepting feelings, maybe. Maybe I'm just more appreciative of it because I've consistently dealt with people who are emotionally frozen and impossible to crack. I've spent countless hours hounding people to open up and be vulnerable, so coming across it by chance is a miracle in my books. So, to sum all my ramblings being vulnerable is an endearing quality that should not be underestimated. 

Trouble's Lurking

I've taken a little hiatus from the blog but it hasn't been inactive, that's for sure. I've seen the page views skyrocket. This makes me paranoid on one hand but kinda flattered on the other. Someone out there cares about what I'm saying for one reason or another. But then I question - what if the someone is someone that I don't need knowing the ins and outs of my thought patterns. Maybe it  creates an opportunity to open the door to something that I'm not prepared to handle. Maybe I'm saying too much while saying all too little. OoOooO. Who knows...but nothing changes the fact that I'm going to write about me and my life. Not right now anyways. I want to remember thoughts and feelings associated with this time so I'm going to blog. Here's hoping that no trouble comes from it - only positivity at the end of the day. For the most part hah [minus the fuck you post]. Enough rambling for the day. I'm going to skate it out - despite the fact that I'm sore as fuck from getting tattooed yesterday! Looks soooo much better in person than in picture I can't even post one, it does no justice. 

:)

Fuck you :)

Released

When no shows happen, I have time for this. When I'm annoyed, I can write it out. When I'm holding it in, I'm learning to release it. 

Phew

Who the fuck am I? You may ask this but I doubt you ask it more than I do. I recently went on a journey where I vowed to do some self evaluation and figure out who I really am and what I really want.. but surprisingly I fucked that time up and escaped to a fantasy world. It's easier to go there than to look inside I guess, especially when you know you'll find some dark things inside. I'll touch on some of those dark things but your be naive to think there's not a couple more layers to me that I'm not going to get into here. Those are up to you to figure out ;). 
I am fiercely terrified of hurting anyone. To the point of my demise  at times, I think. I am anxious. My anxiety gets the better of me a lot of times and puts me in situations or moods I wouldn't otherwise be in. I've learned to handle it immensely better than I was awhile ago, but there is definitely more work to be done. I'm a moody little girl at times. Sometimes I feel like I haven't outgrown the 13 year old me. Desperately seeking for something but never finding fulfilment. But that's not always true either because I have felt something lately. Some sense of fulfillment; although still feeling a desperate longing on top of that.. But at least the first feeling is there and can exist! Now I'll be on a never ending journey to find that feeling or comfort, safety and understanding when the timing will actually work out. Ok side track Sally. Who am I... Aha I am a person who is seeking to be an individual. That's one reason I'm happy I conquered my fear of getting tattoos (more the fear of making a decision on what to get haha). It's finally a way that my body is unique from the next 5'3" pudgy girl. And on the topic of appearance, I am a "cute" girl. The word I'm forever running from. I am always always tagged as the "cute" girl. Even this weekend I met a girl who constantly would squeeze me and mention how cute I am and how she could have me "married off" in an instant. Well first of all stop fucking squeezing me I'm 25 years old and have no desire to get "married off". I know I need to relax and take cute as a compliment, I guess it could be worse but jeesh just once I'd like to be referred to as pretty, or beautiful, or sexy! Can you imagine :) I'd give anything to feel sexy in a consistent basis. Even saying it makes me blush. Anyway what else. I am obsessed with kids but the thought of really having my own terrifies me to no end haha. Maybe because I'm at an age where I "should" be having kids and I'm going through a phase of being a kid myself! At the same time the thought of making a healthy baby makes my heart want to explode. Gosh I'm always in a battle of wanting but not wanting huh. But this topic brings up one of those deeper layers that I can't get into-all I can say is that having kids is a decision I've struggled with since a life changing blood test a few years ago, and a decision that I will no doubt struggle with daily until I can come to peace with whatever I choose to do. Ah. Feels good to get that out. Another thing. I am a thoughtful person. I'd say I'm one of the best friends you could ask for. When you're under my wing, you're fucking under there and I'll do anything for you. When I am treated well, I treat well. Hell, even when in treated like shit I tend to treat well. Another quality I have much to my detriment. I feel like I could still go on about who I am for awhile so I must be learning something over the past few months of chaos and confusion! 
Anyway the sun is shining today, I've got on a BADASS outfit (NOT "cute"!) and-well I'm alive and breathing so what else could I ask for. Today can be a good day :)
"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful" 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HpCHsO6cwx8 
"We are one in the same"

Aaand I'm gonna keep writing cause I'm driving and thinking. Shocker. I'm someone who craves validation constantly-yes despite the fact that I counsel people to do the opposite. I fall in love easily and deeply but don't ever seem to feel the benefits of that. I've never felt a deep true love reciprocated and that's the brutal truth. I'm a self sabotager to the nth degree. No problem there? You bet I'll make one. I'm constantly feeling like I have to prove myself. Whether it's as a new social worker, a girlfriend, a daughter, whatever. Always something to prove I'm so sick of it. I'm a caring person. That means a lot of different things to me. I care about people, I care about good causes, I care too much. I'm emotional to the point that passing a piece of road kill almost made me cry. I have so much emotion built up in me and it has nowhere to to; hence why I write and draw to express myself when words can't. I have a vivid imagination and get so frustrated when I can't properly express it. Same thing with my emotions. Ah. I crave independence and somehow have gotten so completely far from it. Now my heart hurts and I need to be done. 

I can feel the pressure

Life. We get one chance at this exact life. So much pressure to get it right. I'm not going to get into past or future lives, nows not the time. Tonight I'm only thinking about this exact life. I struggle with making decisions more than anyone I know. Ask me where I want to eat supper and it's like you're asking me to choose between my parents. Every possibility runs through my brain as if it's a life or death decision and I usually give up and let someone else pick. So now imagine me making life decisions. Ha. It's seriously a joke. I weigh out options constantly and I never seem to get any further ahead. I contemplate what I want and where I want to go and I come up with everything. I want this but I also want that. I want one thing while I want the exact opposite. Talk about wanting your cake and eating it too. It's so much more confusing than I think anyone truly understands. I try so hard to just live in the moment, but I don't know if that's fully allowing me to see the long term future. Does any of this even make any sense? Maybe not but that's the beauty about expressing my thoughts. Sometimes they won't make sense but I do have anonymous readers who must get something from reading along. Re reading this post has my heart and head hurting and my anxiety increasing. And now it's time to lay in bed alone with my thoughts...puurrrfect. 

"Maybe some day but not now"

Some day I'll get the chance to express how I feel. Some day I'll put paper to pen and get it all out. I'll send a message. I'll explain my side. I'll reveal where this heart is coming from. Despite the fact that my heart comes out in twisted ways, I'll show you that my intentions were good all along. It's funny how a person can have all the necessary skills to express themself but fall completely short every time. I've said it once and I'll say it a million times-i am misunderstood day in and day out. Slowly I'm realizing that this is my fault but I don't know how to change. I follow my heart and I don't know if I can apologize for that. 
I've caused chaos and I humbly accept that fact, but I've been searching for something all along and I'm not giving up. I'm sorry that I suck in revealing myself, I'm sorry that I hurt people along the way but most of all I'm sorry that I've put myself on the line again and again only to receive the same result. I really hope that the people I care about reading this are doing so and can accept that some times (most times) I fuck up but I truly mean well along the way. I'm just gonna keep looking after me and hope that some day, somewhere, somehow, I'll get a good result from doing that. 

On THAT note-I'm doing me today. More learning to skate tonight but the day started out with a new piercing :) 

Give Thanks for..

These days I can be grateful for sharp black eyeliner (my favorite), times and photo shoots with my pups, and my new vape pen. Cheers - happy weekend -do what you gotta do and look after yourself.

Glad you're dead whore

Ugh not sure why whore is wh*red out, annoying. Anyway. Best song on the radio right now. Maybe tied with I'm Glad You're Dead. :)

I'm the girl you're thinking about
The one thing you can't live without
Yeah, I'm the girl you've been waiting for
I'll have you down on your knees
I'll have you begging for more

You probably thought I wouldn't get this far
You thought I'd end up in the back of a car
You probably thought that I'd never escape
I'd be a rat in a cage, I'd be enslaved in this place

You don't know how hard I fought to survive
Waking up all alone when I was left to die
And you don't know about this life I've lived
Or these roads I've walked
Or these tears I've bled

So how can this be?
You're praying to me
There's a look in your eyes
I know just what that means
I can be, I can be your everything...

I can be your wh*re
I am the dark you created
I am the sinner
I am your wh*re
Let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

I'm the one that you need and fear
Now that you heard this I'll be coming clear
That higher judgement that you placed on me is a reflection of the stuff I write

So maybe next time when you cast your stones
From the shadows and the dark unknown
You will crawl out of your hiding place
Take a look in the mirror and see the truth on your face

So how can this be?
You're praying to me
There's a look in your eyes
I know just what that means
I can be, I can be your everything...

I can be your wh*re
I am the dark you created
I am the sinner
I am your wh*re
Let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

The
That's a look on
I am the dark you created
I am the sinner
I am your wh*re
Let me tell you something baby
You love me
You want me
You need me

So how can this be?
You're praying to me
There's a look in your eyes
I know just what that means
I can be, I can be your everything...

I can be your wh*re
I am the dark you created
I am the sinner
I am your wh*re
Let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

Blocked Crown

Write, delete. Write, delete. Repeat repeat repeat. 

That's this post in a nut shell. There's a hundred different things I want to write about but I can't seem to find the words to say or come up with the flow to express myself. I learned last night that my crown chakra is blocked so this makes sense. I'm curious to see what more I'll learn about chakras in the next eight weeks as I take a little "spiritual" journey. I know for a fact I'm going to struggle with connecting and trusting my inner soul, but I also need to evaluate and improve that. Well, less evaluating and more improving. I need to have willingness to open myself up and look inside, strength for what I may find and courage to face it with dignity.  Boom baby here I go. 

FML

Don't you love having the best intentions but almost always being taken the wrong way? Seriously. Theme of my life. Unless - like I've been told - the problem really is me. Maybe I really am the bad person I've been told I am. I work so hard to fight those demon voices on my own but it gets a little tough when people feed it. I'm sick of being taken the wrong way. I'm sick of having to analyze everything I do in fear of judgment. I'm sick of having to prove myself over and over. Ugh LIFE

MEAT

Time to talk about my newest obsession. An obsession that has me feeling crippled today. Roller skating!!! And beyond that: roller derby. To me, roller derby is one of the MOST badass things to do. It's rough, it's gritty and it's where sweet girls' alter ego can come out to play. But up until now, I've always been waaay too anxious to actually pursue this badassery. 
BUT Since putting skates on on Sunday, my mind has been on one thing. Even my dreams... Last night I dreamt I was an awesome roller skater, doing crossovers and skating backwards no big deal. Clearly my dream was shattered the second I moved because every muscle in my body seems to be sore. I was fine Monday, but I opted not to get on the treadclimber which was a mistake because my muscles feel like they seized up. So as I write I'm walking on the treadclimber because tomorrow is the next roller skating session. I am sooOoOo excited to get my own skates and gear in the mail (being shipped tomorrow!) and get back on the concrete. I've begun learning the roles in roller derby as well as some of the rules. It's overwhelming but it's fun to learn a new sport. I just hope that my determination comes through and I have some skill to go along with this otherwise I'll sure be disappointed in myself ! So now I didn't just do the treadclimber tonight, I'm pushing myself more than that. I need my cardio up to keep up with the big dogs. I need to start learning coordination so I don't look like a fool. I ran around the farm, practised grapevines, stretched out my legs and worked on trusting myself running backwards. I ran with Lucky and Cocoa (well, they walk-jogged along side me). Now it's time to hit the books..I wanna watch videos and read bios to get myself even more focused. 
SO excited about my new obsession.... Oh what can come if you just put fear aside and try something new! :) 

This Job-

I love blowing people's minds...in a good way. I love when a client doubts me and I can shock them. I love when they come in fearing judgment, and they get the exact opposite: complete acceptance. I love when they expect naivety and they get knowledge. I love when they fear revealing the truth, but find peace in letting it go. I love when they expect a by-the-book social worker, and I use words they would use, like "shit" and "fuck". "Fuck it", "fuck them", "let them deal with their shit", "stay away from the shit" are phrases that come out in my office. It may not be the most therapeutic way, but sometimes it is what people need to hear and the attitude they need to take. It's usually really hard for me to recognize what I love (or some days even LIKE) about this job, but it's the truth that "shocking" people is a thrill. Proving their fears wrong is fun. Proving their doubts wrong is what I thrive for. Another thing I love. The diversity that I have seen. I attended an educational seminar yesterday regarding culture, and it made me aware of how much I truly appreciate different cultures and being exposed to them. Not only different cultures, but different PEOPLE in general. I've almost seen it all in here: foreigners here to work, oil patch men here to work, local farmers, gay, straight, abusers, business men and women, victims of abuse...the list goes on almost forever. I am blessed to have been exposed to these various people, no matter how "down" I get about my job some days. May I repeat...I AM BLESSED to have been touched by these people. I have met single moms who make ends meet in impossible situations; heard women tell stories of HORRENDOUS abuse they have survived; consoled people who lose siblings at a young age; people who go through some of the hardest situations imaginable but persevere. How can I not be inspired every day? Now, let's keep in mind that clearly I have had a "good" week of clients. A "good" week of crisis. A "good" last session that's got me on a high. There are days where I simply cannot feel that way; that's the truth. There are days where I will see plateau's in people when I know they can do better. There are days where I feel the frustration of people simply not giving a shit about themselves. The days I feel anger because people refuse to accept that they know how to feel better. But on those days...I need to remind myself of these days. The days where I see amazing change. The days where I am inspired by people who open up and truly desire change. The days where I am thankful to have been a part of their lives, no matter for how short (or long!) a time.

Go Time

Today I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone. It's funny though because I'm doing something that I've always envisioned myself doing. I've practised, I've organized everything and now it's go time. Time to help a group of people through depression. I'm so excited but is be lying if I said I'm not sooo anxious about it. As if I know what I'm doing up there!!! But there's my little devil brain talking, because I DO know the stuff and I CAN be a good support; no forgetting that. I'm happy a lot of the people attending are already my own clients, so they understand that I'm not perfect, that I stumble with words sometimes and that I use the weirdest imagery to describe what I'm saying. That will help me feel a bit more comfortable.

It's time to ask myself though…what am I really anxious about? Looking like a fool? Getting questions I don't know how to answer? Balancing the dynamics of the group? I can truthfully say that parts of each of those have crossed my mind but the bottom line STILL always comes down to self esteem! I'm not confident that I can do this. I'm freaked out about what the group members will think of me. I'm terrified of not being good enough. But good enough for who?? I've helped clients in the past, so why can't i do it again? I need to remind myself again that I can and I will do it over and over, no matter how self defeating my devil brain can be.

Here's to starting new adventures and having as much confidence as possible.

Goof

Ohh how a little change and time with family can mend a hurting heart. Obsessed with my new hair and looking forward to a night out with my sisters. 

Thinking and Feeling

I spend most of my days explaining the connection between thoughts and feelings. If you think a certain way you'll feel a certain way. That's a fact. But now I'm confused because I have feelings that I cannot explain. Today I spent a refreshing hour with someone who reassured me that sometimes you feel a certain way and you can't justify it. There's no real reason for the feeling but it's there. And sometimes that's okay. Just because you can't justify it doesn't mean the feelings aren't true to you. Even though it basically contradicts everything I do day to day, today I have to go with it. And the lesson of the day is to look for help because you never know when you'll find it in the strangest of places. Thank you to a stranger who opened her heart to me and helped open mine in the process.

Moulding

Do we ever really outgrow the image that people paint us in? Especially in a town like this, it seems like you will always remain that person you were in middle school. Or maybe that's just me since that's shortly before I left!?! Hmmm. 
Either way, in my life it seems that once people have established a (usually false) idea of who I am, I am written off as just that. Whether it's a bitch, a rebel, a stoner, a whore.. It seems like people use one incident and apply that to my entire being. Or again. Maybe I am the one who is all of those things and just refuses to see it. Maybe I'm the one who's completely fucked up...the moral of the last few months. It's been hard for me to keep my head up and move forward, being told that over and over. But do other peoples opinions define me at all?? I know what I'd tell someone who asked me that. I'd tell them to fuck em and look after themselves. So that's what I'm starting to do. I'm getting my tattoos, I'm dying my hair, I'm getting my piercing, I'm becoming me whether anyone likes it or not. I'm becoming the me that I want to be-that's the beauty of life-becoming whoever we want to be. Moulding ourselves into outer expressions of our inner souls... One day I hope I can properly emulate what I feel so strongly inside...deep love, compassion, awareness, adventure, and pure kindness. So cheesy right?  

Deadly Day

Is it weird that I'm obsessed with looking at obituaries? I find something so fascinating about reading a persons history. I can feel a connection to families grief when reading a complete strangers obit. There is so much heartfelt emotion written into obituaries, it moves my soul and truthfully (/embarrassingly) brings me to tears at times. Some obituaries go on and on while others are short.  Some praise the deceased as if they were a god on earth while others are right to the point. I skip through some quickly while I read others word for word. But at the end of the day, our obituary is in a sense a final contribution to the world from our souls.  A final glimpse for strangers and friends alike to recap what's been done. A final piece of history that is somehow supposed to define an entire life of trials and tribulations. But does it really? Does one single piece of writing define who we are as people and the contribution we had to the world while we walk it?  I guess we are all remembered by more than just this final piece at the end of the day, but it's weird to think that one day all that will be left of us is an obituary in an old newspaper. 

One of the most moving ones I've read in awhile:

My buddy My pal

Best weekend ever :D 
It's sooooooo nice to be able to spend time with someone who GETS you. I don't even know how many of those people I have in life at this point....easily countable on one hand that's for sure. We spent Friday night catching up on life and were up and at er early Saturday before the run. We got dressed up, right in sync as usual, and began the day doing what we usually do: cruise around and do errands like chickens with our heads cut off. Then came time for socialization. Hahaha. Socialization meaning standing together alone at a party and quickly coming up with excuses to leave. Went to the first bar, had a couple drinks, shared the bathroom a couple times, then ran down the hill...just us two. In a crowd of hundreds of people running down, we ran down alone. Then got a cab to smoke and order pizza. And stayed for hours. Hah while there is an entire bar run going on in town, there we are laying low and hanging out alone. Just the way we like it. For anyone else it might sound like the most boring weekend but for us, it was absolutely perfect!!! I miss my best friend and am completely envious of anyone who lives remotely close to people who get them for them. 

Songs

My recommendation for the day, complete with a whistle solo for your truly ;)

Can't keep up with my rhythm

Though they keep trying.

Too quick for the lines they throw.

I walk to the sound of my own drum,

It goes, they go, we go...

Another song I really liked today was called Whore. Hah, how suitable right? Read your mind. 

Finally, one that makes me smile every time:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3Js4YZ1z0to

B o b

ANXIETY!!!! Little devil is bugging me haha SO I'm distracting myself. With none other than music. Goood, meaningful and positive music. Bob Marley duh. Time to take a few deep breaths and let the vibe flow through me... That's the beauty of music. Want to be sad? I can think of a few songs to listen to. Wanna get pumped up? Definitely songs for that. I'm excited to teach people about the possible positive benefits that come from music in a support group I'm doing for depression at the end of this month into April. Maybe I'll even bust out Bob to relax everyone 😊. Otherwise I've changed the channel on Sirius, listening to different types of music cause sometimes "double cup with my top down" and "she just wanna smoke n fuck" gets old. I miss the oldies I used to pump like nirvana and blink 182, I've caught myself smiling a few times over the last few days listening to em. Anyway this was a random little tangent but look-my anxiety came down a couple notches wooo. Even though I haven't dealt with the true source hah oh well maybe that'll be tomorrow. 

Don't let them fool ya,

Or even try to school ya

We've got a mind of our own,

So go to hell if what you're thinking is not right!

Love would never leave us alone,

I am the darkness there must come out the light.

Ankleweighted

And I working directly against myself? Am I making myself sicker than I need to be? Or have I found a way to actually deal with it? I think of drowning.. how bad would it be to realize I'm drowning myself? That it's actually me holding me down not other people. How bad would it need to come up for air and realize that I had the ability to take the ankle weights off the whole entire time?  But that's just it.  I do have the power to take off the ankle weights I just have to figure out what ankle weights are exactly. Am I making any sense here?

Pondering... Maybe too Much

What a strugglesome day. Relationships are the hardest thing in life, and having to advise people on how to manage relationships can be so overwhelming sometimes!! People are fluid..they are changing constantly, everyone has personality traits that throw curve balls into situations let alone our backgrounds and perceptions that completely shape us into who we are and how we see ourselves. I got into social work because of interesting human dynamics and now it seems my life is a constant state of dynamics. I've been blamed for causing chaos and involving people when I shouldn't, and I've had to have some ownership for decisions made, both in work and personal life. Sure it's made me stronger in some sense but fuck....who woulda thought my heart would get so hurt in the meantime. It's shitty, the feeling that your chest is going to explode at any second. A feeling that sometimes drives positive emotions and exciting new situations or that can completely tear you apart. How do you tell someone to stay or go? How do you tell them what's wrong or right? What's acceptable or not? What expectations they can have and need to let go of? How do I tell myself these things??? Just a brief insight to a minute into my day, week, month...
Another thing. Finality. So overwhelming but sometimes so needed. Closure for example. Everyone has their own way of coming to closure with something, but I seem to struggle. I hate finality but at the same time I crave it. That won't make sense for most people but for me it is ruining me right now. I need closure on past relationships, which again is something I rarely get through work as well. But it makes sense. Gotta let go of the things in the rear view before you can see straight ahead. Doesn't change that the road is so damn windy ahead but at least looking at the curves is realistic. Anyway. I need to draw now. Release some of this stress. Ahhhhhhhhhhh deep breath and remind myself I can do this..whatever "this" is!!?!!

Zombanimals

Fascination with drawing creepy little animals :)

Dates

As much as I'd love to write about how well I distracted myself from anxiety today, sadly I cannot do that- I simply slept the day away again which is for me the easiest way to cope. Not the most realistic but today it worked. But tonight I'm thinking of three upcoming dates: March 22, 23 and April 15. 
Hair. Piercing. Tattoo. Yaaaahhhh!! I SERIOUSLY think I'm going with my gut and getting purple in my hair :D. Then, double nose. Then, color in my flowers! I've decided I want certain colours I can see in my mind-deep red, darker purple, deep blues..it will be gorgeous I already know it. Plus I'm going up with one sister for sure and hopefully my other!! Little road trip with the 3 of us would be so good for us. That's what I need to keep me going..time with people. Time talking and bouncing things off people who listen and have life experience to help little naive me. 
ANYWAY queen of tangents, time for bed. Monday comes quickly. Here's to another 5 day work week coming up and never knowing what that means! 

Anxiety Girl

Anxiety: how 10am on a Sunday feels like the most important moment of your life that's been building up for days. But is it? Or is my mind just going toooo fast to be able to digest any of it. Who knows but it's critical for me to get distracting myself today, cause constantly looking at Instagram is not making time go by any faster.

Love Yourself?

Can I first say I'm obsessed with the loveyourself selfie thing going around!? I've seen so many pictures of girls who are usually caked with makeup and actually look gorgeous without! So crazy what societal pressure causes. Which brings me to me. I thought Id sneak under the radar and avoid a nomination for this, but I thought wrong. Now it's my turn to post one and guess what. I don't know if I can do it. As someone who struggles 9 minutes out of 10 with low self esteem, this thought is terrifying. NOW as someone who helps people with self esteem, I'd be SO excited at this opportunity with a client because this is the BEST exposure. Most terrifying, but that usually means most effective. Maybe for me to work on my self esteem, putting my bare face out there for the world to see is what I need. Or maybe I'm just trying to pump myself up for something that there's a good chance I can't do. 

Rando McRandy

Ahhh laying in bed trying to think of what to write tonight. I need to write about something but my thoughts are too fast to organize which thing I need to really talk about. Maybe I'll really just be as random as I feel right now. 
Firstly. My fish at work, Charlie. It's a beta fish, I don't know if it's a boy or girl or if fish really have gender, not the point of why I'm talking about him/her anyways. I SWEAR that my fish knows when I am in that room and especially when I sit in the chair beside the bowl. Its so weird to have a connection with something like a fish. Who woulda thunk. 
Almost lastly. Being a pestering bug. I've sent a message to a lady asking if she'd like to meet up and talk about some business stuff. She immediately replied that she was interested so I offered some dates. She has not responded. Whaaat the effff do i do now? Send her another message asking if she's changed her mind? If this week works? If we could do a quick coffee instead? I have noOOooO idea. 
Finally, diaper cakes. I find that immediately after I leave work (and lots of times during, let's be honest) my brain switches to cakes. I really enjoy making them. The problem now is that I have a house full of diaper cakes. I think I could squeeze maybe one more in, since I'm dropping one off tomorrow, but otherwise it's ridiculous! I need to get selling more but I don't know how to go about it.. I'll just keep at advertising I suppose and hope that word goes around! 
To end this most random post of all, a picture of my most favourite snack of all time. 

To hue or not to hue

The great debate continues-colour or no colour!?  I drew both of these and both looked good without colour, but after adding  it, they undeniably look better with colour and I'm not even good at filling colour in! The reason I have this debate is because of tattoos... I've always thought I wanted black and grey only, but since getting the outline of my flowers I've had to really think of the possibility  of colour.  Who knows what I'll come up with, I'm the worst with decisions. 

Busy ness

Can't complain of boredom anymore. Picked up the pencil and have enjoyed creating weird little drawings. Well, free-handing some image I find online is a better way to say it. 

Whiner

After a long day of whining that I'm "sooo bored" and sleeping part of the day away, I've tried hard tonight to shift my thinking. I've read little inspirational things on Pinterest saying that someone would be happy to be where you are, or what you have now is what you once wanted. It's hard for me to get and stay in that mindset but it really is true. I can sit and hate everything about where I am and what I have, or I can realize that I'm beyond blessed for all I have around me. Sure I may hate parts of my job, but isn't that part of life? Sure my home life has issues, but whose doesn't? I have to continue doing perspective-checks with myself now and then..maybe daily until it becomes habit.
On a side note, in my boredom today I became a little crafty and decorated myself. Sharpies are the best :)

f-O-c-u-S

Tonight, I did it. I put the excuses aside and pushed Start on the Tread Climber. And it actually feels good; but of course there were moments that sucked.

I have a thing with over-exaggerating time. I stare at a clock, surprised it's not moving faster. Maybe that's a part of being an anxious bug, but it makes working out even more painful. So this time, I decided to change my focus. I put on the 849th Survivor premiere and began walking. I didn't look at the time until I was nearly 25 minutes in. For me, that is a huge victory! Now, after I saw 25 minutes, I decided I'd go until 30 before writing this post. Then the walk changed. I became hyper-aware of each step, each muscle working, and each second going by painfully slow. The last 5 minutes was more excruciating then every single minute that came before it, all because my focus changed.

So there you have my lesson for the day. A lesson that I teach to clients every single day; change your focus, and you will see change.

PS - I am honest when I say that I was barely moving tonight, but I am realizing that whether you're running or "barely moving", it's the giving the most you can with where you're at that actually counts.

Which road...

Seriously, I was taking a typical selfie today when I caught an honest glimpse of how big I look. I've gained at least ten pounds in the last couple months, and on a body at 5'4 3/4" , ten pounds is big. So I have options. I can sit and pout about it, drown myself in food like I seem to usually do. OR I can take the hard road, but the road that pays off. Even as I write I'm not sure which road I'm going to take, but I know I'm sick of saying "tomorrow". Tomorrow I'll say tomorrow then the next day I'll say the next day and the pounds add up as the time passes by. Indeed to honestly feel good about me, and a big part of that is physical health. I have the resources, now I just need the motivation. When I did T25 in December, I lost 6 lbs and 6 inches in the first three weeks- so I know the results will come if I simply put in the work.

A-ha

I've done some thinking about this blog..and I think I've come up with a conclusion. If I'm doing this, I wanna really do it, and whats better than to do it on than something I'm trying to develop. So my blog will be about me. A peak into the life of a 25 year old who loves her pets, tattoos and her boyfriend. I want to use my blog as inspiration for the weight battle I continue to live, not to focus on it but definitely shed some light into the struggle. I want to display my creative side however that might be-right now it's my diaper cakes. Come along with me as I learn more about who I am and try make myself better than I think possible! 😊

CakeCakeCake

So I guess I've created a third job for myself. On top of being a social worker and a gymnastics coach, I'm now a diaper-cake-creator. Scientific term. But I'm slightly obsessed. I want to keep making, making, making, but I need to make sure I also advertise and sell these buggers. Soon I'll have a website with pictures of cakes I've done. Seems unnecessary, and very likely is, but it's fun nonetheless.  Something to pass my time and something to look forward to, especially with how I feel about work lately. But no point in getting into that on a public forum hah - mental health is alllll closed doors. Back to diaper cakes. Today I spent the day in Minot; my sisters, nieces and I took my parents to the airport then went for lunch and shopped. Literally everything I bought will be used to make diaper cakes! But I'm most excited about a pink zebra cake that I'm making. My friend Jess has a friend having a baby girl, and I'm going to visit in March, so timing is perfect! If I can be smarter than this computer I'll try post a picture. Now, time to update my little website and recover from my cat just clawing my leg. 

What happened here?

I didn't picture starting this blog like this. Unprepared, unsure, unguided. So many unknowns. But maybe that's why this is the best time. Even as I begin to go on, I type, backspace, type, backspace. So insecure everything I write. I live inside a comfort zone that has served to harm me immeasurably. I'm sick of it...so I'm putting this out there! I'm putting myself out there for the world to see - well, maybe not quite - but I'm going outside of my stupid comfort zone once and for all. To do that, I've gotta describe who I am. 

To the outsider..I am a shy social worker, a spoiled youngest sister, a 'cool' auntie, a caring friend, a girlfriend, and a lover of animals (especially my own). In my ideal world, I'm creative, strong, easygoing, confident, assured and loving. In reality, I am insecure, anxious, stubborn and selfish. It may sound harsh, but I'm quickly learning that the world is harsh and that critical self-evaluation is necessary now and then. I hope I can become as in-tune with my positive qualities as I am my negative, but that's something I'll continually work on. So what's the point of this blog anyways?

Maybe it's to vent about adventures in mental health-both working and personal. Maybe it's to fill my time. Maybe it's to normalize one other persons thoughts. Maybe it's to balance reality with irrational thinking. Maybe it's to set goals and motivate myself.  At this point, anyone's guess is as good as mine. But right now it's 5am and maybe I'm in a state of delirium but I'm excited to be starting this new chapter in my life.