What a strugglesome day. Relationships are the hardest thing in life, and having to advise people on how to manage relationships can be so overwhelming sometimes!! People are fluid..they are changing constantly, everyone has personality traits that throw curve balls into situations let alone our backgrounds and perceptions that completely shape us into who we are and how we see ourselves. I got into social work because of interesting human dynamics and now it seems my life is a constant state of dynamics. I've been blamed for causing chaos and involving people when I shouldn't, and I've had to have some ownership for decisions made, both in work and personal life. Sure it's made me stronger in some sense but fuck....who woulda thought my heart would get so hurt in the meantime. It's shitty, the feeling that your chest is going to explode at any second. A feeling that sometimes drives positive emotions and exciting new situations or that can completely tear you apart. How do you tell someone to stay or go? How do you tell them what's wrong or right? What's acceptable or not? What expectations they can have and need to let go of? How do I tell myself these things??? Just a brief insight to a minute into my day, week, month...
Another thing. Finality. So overwhelming but sometimes so needed. Closure for example. Everyone has their own way of coming to closure with something, but I seem to struggle. I hate finality but at the same time I crave it. That won't make sense for most people but for me it is ruining me right now. I need closure on past relationships, which again is something I rarely get through work as well. But it makes sense. Gotta let go of the things in the rear view before you can see straight ahead. Doesn't change that the road is so damn windy ahead but at least looking at the curves is realistic. Anyway. I need to draw now. Release some of this stress. Ahhhhhhhhhhh deep breath and remind myself I can do this..whatever "this" is!!?!!
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